hell yes lets make some ravioli
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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