you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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