I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
