Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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