I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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