Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
