I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
