I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
