I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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