I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
