We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So much rum. So many feels.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
