Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
