you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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