How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
