Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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