Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
