just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
