i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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