Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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