Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
