Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
