so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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