I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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