1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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