So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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