I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
