So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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