my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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