If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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