so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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