I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
