he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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