I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
