woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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