Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
