The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
