Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
