I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
