I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
NoShamevember. You game?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
