if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
