so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
