woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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