Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
