Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
