I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Randomize
