I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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