Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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