i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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