So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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