Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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